Mother's Day

Although I am a mother myself I always think of my own mother on Mother's Day. Somehow it has and always be her day and not mine. This coming Saturday is the first Mother's Day since my mom passed away and as you can imagine she has been on my heart a great deal lately. Most days I am fine as I move through the daily routine of life, but sometimes in the small moments I find myself very sad. I have opened myself up to the grief...let it come and wash over me. Thankfully, it surrenders just as it overwhelms and I am able to walk on through the days.

I think what makes me miss my mother so much in this season is I feel like she was just becoming the mother she always wanted to be. As some of you know my own relationship with my mother was complicated but I have always loved and respected her. She was raised in home where love and kindness were expressed by providing the practical needs for a child, not by hugs and kisses. I know my mother worked hard to overcome her own austere beginnings but I don't think she was every really able to express all the love she felt until my daughter Cavender was born. As a grandmother my mom fully was able to abandon herself in her relationship with her granddaughter. It was beautiful to watch and has changed my heart forever. I hope Cavender will remember the time she had with Grammie. Even if her mind looses some of the memories I know her heart will always be filled by that special love.

(Snow day remix) A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter...

Almost a year ago I wrote this post...
The "Great Storm" in ATL this weekend made me think of my adjustment to our Kentucky winters. Although we would never admit it, I think Kevin and I have a little yankee in us now...

Background: Kevin and I have given up TV for lent. We have done it before and we really enjoy the kind of time no TV creates for us.

Issue: No TV equals no news.... and I am really ok with this fact. I stay in the loop online, which is what I prefer to do anyway. However, last night our internet was not working and we missed the "Great Storm" forecast. So when I awoke this morning to snow flurries I felt the need to hurry, to rush somewhere. But where?

Realization: Why is it those of born and raised in the South have a compulsion-- a need to scurry to the grocery store for winter storms? How bad does it really get that we need to 'stock up' 'just in case'? Remember the great storm of ... '82?
I can hear Glen Burns in my head.... Action 2 weather.... stay tuned!

I must say I was shocked the first time I rushed to Kroger to stock up during our first Kentucky snow...there were parking places, milk was on the shelves, and there was no line in the beer isle. Different.

But I am not a local, so off to Kroger I will go.... 6-8 inches of snow...
what do we need?

A loaf of bread....
A container of milk...
and a stick of butter.....

or something like that.

I have never watched American Idol

I have never watched American Idol, The Bachelor, 24, or most any other must see T.V. I can't think of a current show that I actually know its time slot by heart. Usually when I watch T.V. each flip of the channel is a great mystery as to what could be on that would be of interest to me. I am rarely interested in the same show two weeks in a row. I am more of a marathon watcher. I think it is because I like movies and this format makes a TV show more like a movie...and after the marathon is over, its over, and I don't have to think about it again. Done.

I know it must sound like I never watch TV. But that would be a very false assumption. TV has become a security blanket of self medication for me. If I watch TV I don't really have to think...so if I don't think that means I don't have to be aware of all the things that need to be done, that I need to do better, that I should do to be a better person. At night, once CB is tucked into bed and Kevin is back to hitting the books, I retreat to a cozy chair and blanket and flip on the tube and turn off the voice in my head telling me my house is dirty, I should be working out, and there are at least 10 projects that are waiting for my attention.

I have carried this small harsh voice in my head through most of my life journey. The reoccurring message in some form or other is:
I'm not a good enough daughter
I'm not a good enough friend
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not a good enough athlete
I'm not thin enough
and later
I'm not interesting enough
I'm not a good enough wife
I'm not a good enough mother
I'm not a good enough teacher
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not attractive enough
and then later...
I'm not a good enough person
I'm not a good enough Christian
I'm not enough

This small piercing voice has been devastating at different points in my life. Crippling my ambition, my confidence, my ability to love others because I hated myself.

I recently realized that the most broken part of that hurtful head-chatter is that I have been translating it all wrong. Really, what I was saying to myself when I thought all those self deprecating things is that God did not make me....(insert painful phrase here). Another words, I was really saying to myself all those years "God did not make me a good enough mother, wife, person..." that some how I was misshapen and left un-whole. When I realized I was really blaming God I felt so ashamed and convicted. Somethings started to make sense. How could I live in a true relationship with Jesus if there was a wall of guilt and blame between us? How could I be a vessel that showed his redeeming love to the world if I didn't feel redeemed but broken myself?

I know that I am a child of God who is good and pleasing in his sight. My own failings are a result of the baggage of my own past hurts, bad habits, and continual poor choices.

So now instead of thinking that I am not well made I am trying to retrain that small harsh voice to boom loudly from within my soul that I am specially made to do great work. The rest of the baggage I am working on unpacking and cleaning up the clutter that pain can cause. It is a big job but I know I am up to the task with a little help from my Friend.

25 Random Things

1. I don't like catchup so much so that I usually forget that other people do like it.

2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day but unfortunately I don't usually wake up early enough to eat breakfast. So I love to make breakfast foods for dinner.

3. Kevin and I have been married for 8.5 years and we have moved 7 times (8 is just around the corner).

4. I am really bad at packing both for moves and trips. Luckily it doesn't bother me not be perfectly packed.

5. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes or other creepy crawling things. However, I can't stand to catch a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision. I freak out.

6. Maybe it is a throw back to my coaching days but I really like clipboards. I think life can be managed better with a good clipboard and a list.

7. Cavender, our four year old, cracks me up daily. She is very funny. I don't think she always means to be so this could be an interesting learning curve in the coming years.

8. I love to add potato chips to any sandwich. Six inch turkey sub with baked BBQ lays is my favorite combination.

9. When I tell people I lived in Amsterdam for a semester in college I love to look at their face as they decide if I was a druggie or a prostitute. Both options make me laugh and I don't usually give them any relief from the awkward banter in their head.

10. I was an English major at Wofford College in Spartanburg, SC and made some amazing friends there.

11. I don't like to talk on the phone. I usually don't answer the phone...it is always for Kevin anyway.

12. Sometimes I miss teaching and then I just think about all the hours I spent grading papers and I quickly snap out of it.

13. I do miss being a yearbook adviser. I loved teaching those classes and putting the book together year after year. Once a yearbook nerd always a yearbook nerd.

14. I can't water ski. I tried once and almost drowned (I still blame this incident on my older sister). I would like to learn one day.

15. I love to snow ski. However, it is on the "don't ever think about doing" list given to me by my orthopedist after my seventh knee surgery. Therefore, the last two times I have been 'skiing' I spent my days hanging out while everyone else hit the slopes.

16. I broke my foot walking across the street.

17. I tend to be very clumsy so when dinning out or in public settings Kevin has to juggle keeping Cavender from spilling her cup and then cut his attention to me to be sure I don't spill my drink or fall down. Sometimes he has a very difficult job.

18. I used to have a strong stance against blogging. I felt it perpetuated and fueled egocentric people. Like most things I take my random stances against....I eventually came around and I am a big fan of blogging now. I love to write on mine and I actually have a reader so I can easily keep up with the others I read.

19. I never had a grandfather. Both of my mine passed away before I was born. I have adopted Dr Kalas, the President of Asbury Theological Seminary, to be my pretend grandfather. He hasn't agreed to the arrangement but I claim him as mine anyway.

20. I love my job. I get to work with pastors and church leaders from all around the world. It is amazing. I also like it that everyone Cavender meets who is of another nationality she calls them "Mama's friends".

21. Kevin and I started dating the night of our Youth BBQ fundraiser at Snellville UMC in 1998. Ironically, I don't like BBQ.

22. I really like ethnic food. Currently, Thai is at the top of the list but the few Korean meals I have had lately is pushing it toward the top.

23. I am tired of death. This year five people have passed away in my family including my mother and grandmother.

24. I have the most amazing husband in the world. Besides the fact that he puts up with my drama he is very talented in his own right and a great father.

25. Speaking of being a great father.... this is a good thing because we are expecting our second child in October.

A Paper Problem

It seems like forever since I have sat down and taken the time to post to this blog. However, I have written several posts that have only bounced around the recesses of my mind. Too bad I never made time to capture these thoughts before they dissipated into to do or shopping lists.

Along that vein I have recently been coming to terms with my paper problem. I currently have five started journals, one quote book, this under-posted blog, a half used planner, and one notebook for writing ideas. This does not count the myriad of individual papers tucked here and there, inside books, my planner, and stacked to look at later. I am not satisfied with a technology based communication model. I love the feel of paper, the smell of opening a book, and the soothing glide of a pencil across the page (the spelling challenged like myself always use pencils).

So what have I done to get control of this madness? Why, I have bought a new journal--it will really work this time, or so I have been chanting to myself over and over to will it to be true.

These are the moments when I envy the self discipline of my husband and battle the inner dialogue of failure that comes so naturally to me.

Since my mom passed away I have come to realize there was so much about her I didn't know. One day, I want Cavender to have both the memories of our own life conversations, and the scraps of my own mental ramblings for her to process as she will.

Besides the way my memory is declining, probably due to the number of Diet Cokes I drink, I better collect what few creative moments I have left.

Going Dutch

One time, years ago, when I was spending a semester in Amsterdam I decided I needed to add more physical activity in my daily routine. Running on the cobble stone streets was starting to do in my fragile knees. I needed something new, different. I think it was my travel buddy Maureen who came up with the idea of attending aerobic classes at a local gym. Having been coordinationally challenged my whole life aerobics and I have not traditionally been a good fit. Yet, I found myself one cold winter night entering into this fairly large studio surrounded by people in their best/brightest athletic gear ready to get their groove on. I wanted to blend in and hang toward the rear, but as usual, those spots were already taken so I found myself much closer to the leader than I ever intended. Soon, the techno was blaring and everyone had that gleam of anticipation that only the expectation of endorphins can give. Meanwhile I was giving myself my little mental pep talk... "you can do this" or "if you fall down, it's ok, just make it look like you did it on purpose-just make it look like you needed a stretch"....

However, the next 60 seconds make me realize that the next 60 minutes were going to be harder than I anticipated. The instructor began to give his directions in Dutch. Up to that point, it hadn't crossed my mind that I would only be able to understand about 1 in 100 words. Amsterdam is a multicultural city and I had gotten so used to hearing English that I came to expect it, assumed it would be used, or at least desperately hoped I had a prayer of 'grapevining' in the correct direction. I am so thankful that my first session in that sweaty room was not captured on film. Confused, off beat, peripheral vision fatigued, and often moving in the wrong direction I lumbered through the evening. I still believe that the leader was making some jokes and my expense throughout the routine due the volume of pity smiles I received as I made my way to the exit after class. I ended up going several more times, each one easier a little easier than the first though less funny to those around me. So why am I thinking of the pinnacle of physical awkwardness? The moment when the ability to laugh at myself got a full test drive? Because this is one of those moments that lives in my memory and often likes to come out and dance around my head for awhile. It reminds me to laugh at myself--something that I need to be reminded of often.

I think some moments are experienced so completely that they become part of who you are. I know all the pieces of your collective life experience are wrapped up, or shoved into, the fragile vessel of our memory, but I am speaking of those moments that even while you are in the midst of them there is a consciousness that this will stay with you...is one to remember. This is when time seems to slow, that my eyes dart around soaking in as many details as possible to repaint this scene over and over because I know it will be useful one day.

I have had several of these moments in my life thus far and they are not always as serious as you would think, i.e. Dutch aerobics class. It is has always interested me what things strike me, cause me to pause, and collect the fragments of the moment to put away for later. Often, it is in the little nothings. Not in the big life moments one would expect.

What are the moments that stay with you? Which ones seem to fill up all your senses when they bubble up and come out to play in your head?

1, 2, 3, You're It

I used to be quite the tag player in my day (being the tallest person in the class gave me a wingspan of giants compared to my playground competitors). A friend of mine, Kelly Lawson, rekindled my desire to play so here is my bloggerific version...

The Rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.

4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Fact 1: I have had 17 jobs since I was 14 years old (at least these are the ones I can remember). Before you judge me for my fickleness please note that most of these jobs where held simultaneously. So here's the list: babysitter, softball field score keeper, Memorial Stadium Concessions worker, Chick-fil-a, Salvation Army SE Headquarters Development, Rockola Cafe-Spartanburg, SC, Golf Club of Georgia (drink cart girl, waitress, bartender) Wofford College Post Office (Amie and I could tell you some stories), Ellen Hines Smith Girls Home, Wofford College Bohemian Editor, Snellville UMC Youth Assit., Snellville UMC After School Program Asst., Macaroni Grill, Gwinnett Co. Teacher, Fayette Co. Teacher, SAT Reader, Beeson Program Coordinator at Asbury Theological Seminary.

Fact 2: I have a secret, or not so secret, love for Star Wars. I know it dates me but I grew up on the original movies. Back in the day they were amazing. I had Star Wars sheets, a stuffed Ewok, and I seriously contemplated being Princess Leia when I grew up. I am by no means claiming to be a Star Wars expert and I have never attended a Dragon Con convention. However, in college I did dress up as Hans Solo one year for Halloween and my dear friend Ingrid went as Princess Leia (she had the hair and looks!).

Fact 3: I have a very unusual laugh. Some say obnoxious, some say unique, I say memorable. I was reminded of this fact the other night during a family tickle fight in which I lost the battle due to a double offensive launched by CB and Kevin. It had been a long time since I really laughed that belly, uncontrollable laugh. I don't think anyone here in KY has heard it.... and realizing that made me sad. Perhaps I knocked the rust off my tickle box and will be ready to laugh again.

Fact 4: I can't stand to watch people get embarrassed. It makes me so self-conscious for them that I become more miserable than they are. If it is happening on TV, I immediately turn the channel. Luckily, KB has the same aversion so he doesn't mind when I have to 'turn away'.

Fact 5: I love to go camping. Love it. Smoke, dirt, bugs, no bathroom facilities does not deter my fun. Some of the best times in my life have been around camp fires. The annual camping trips with David T. were always a highlight of my year (even though they usually ended with at least one of us in physical peril…jumping off water falls, slipping down rock faces, being in the middle of a river when the damn is released, busted rafts…sound familiar?) Kevin and I used to camp a lot but we haven’t much since the kido was born. Charlie, my sleeping bag, and I are always ready for an outdoor adventure. Maybe for Kevin’s graduation I will buy a tent (the spouse of a graduate should get a present too I firmly believe) since ours has dry rotted in storage.

Fact 6: Chinese food is my favorite. Although I haven’t tried, I believe I could eat it everyday. I like pretty much anything that you can order in a Chinese restaurant. I realized how often we get Chinese food the other day when I asked CB what she wanted for dinner and she asked for the soup with eggs in it from the restaurant with the fish tank, unusual request for a four year old. Due to budgetary concerns I usually order similar items, but if the sky is the limit I love those unusual dishes that come out in strange little pots full of oddities and yummies.

Fact 7: I have a PBS addiction. I find myself watching the strangest things simply because they are on PBS. In our current grad student lifestyle, we have very limited cable… fourteen channels to be exact (two of which are the same channel). So perhaps my current PBS relationship is due to a lack of choices. Yet, when other favorites are on I still gravitate to channel 13. Why? I think it is because I always learn something and I like to learn. Maybe one day you will see me on The Antique Road Show. Currently, I don’t have any antiques or anything of real value but I am thinking this is the only way I will ever make it onto PBS (Masterpiece Theater and NOVA are pretty much out).

Ok... so that is a little snapshot of my strangeness. I will now pass the torch of tag onto:
http://kevinbbarnes.blogspot.com/
http://danunderwood.blogspot.com/
http://wadeandbrittany.blogspot.com
http://drk-shannon.blogspot.com/
http://2manbreak.blogspot.com/

Please feel no need to continue the game. I am just sharing the opportunity!