Although I am a mother myself I always think of my own mother on Mother's Day. Somehow it has and always be her day and not mine. This coming Saturday is the first Mother's Day since my mom passed away and as you can imagine she has been on my heart a great deal lately. Most days I am fine as I move through the daily routine of life, but sometimes in the small moments I find myself very sad. I have opened myself up to the grief...let it come and wash over me. Thankfully, it surrenders just as it overwhelms and I am able to walk on through the days.
I think what makes me miss my mother so much in this season is I feel like she was just becoming the mother she always wanted to be. As some of you know my own relationship with my mother was complicated but I have always loved and respected her. She was raised in home where love and kindness were expressed by providing the practical needs for a child, not by hugs and kisses. I know my mother worked hard to overcome her own austere beginnings but I don't think she was every really able to express all the love she felt until my daughter Cavender was born. As a grandmother my mom fully was able to abandon herself in her relationship with her granddaughter. It was beautiful to watch and has changed my heart forever. I hope Cavender will remember the time she had with Grammie. Even if her mind looses some of the memories I know her heart will always be filled by that special love.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
(Snow day remix) A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter...
Almost a year ago I wrote this post...
The "Great Storm" in ATL this weekend made me think of my adjustment to our Kentucky winters. Although we would never admit it, I think Kevin and I have a little yankee in us now...
Background: Kevin and I have given up TV for lent. We have done it before and we really enjoy the kind of time no TV creates for us.
Issue: No TV equals no news.... and I am really ok with this fact. I stay in the loop online, which is what I prefer to do anyway. However, last night our internet was not working and we missed the "Great Storm" forecast. So when I awoke this morning to snow flurries I felt the need to hurry, to rush somewhere. But where?
Realization: Why is it those of us born and raised in the South have a compulsion-- a need to scurry to the grocery store for winter storms? How bad does it really get that we need to 'stock up' 'just in case'? Remember the great storm of ... '82?
I can hear Glen Burns in my head.... Action 2 weather.... stay tuned!
I must say I was shocked the first time I rushed to Kroger to stock up during our first Kentucky snow...there were parking places, milk was on the shelves, and there was no line in the beer isle. Different.
But I am not a local, so off to Kroger I will go.... 6-8 inches of snow...
what do we need?
A loaf of bread....
A container of milk...
and a stick of butter.....
or something like that.
The "Great Storm" in ATL this weekend made me think of my adjustment to our Kentucky winters. Although we would never admit it, I think Kevin and I have a little yankee in us now...
Background: Kevin and I have given up TV for lent. We have done it before and we really enjoy the kind of time no TV creates for us.
Issue: No TV equals no news.... and I am really ok with this fact. I stay in the loop online, which is what I prefer to do anyway. However, last night our internet was not working and we missed the "Great Storm" forecast. So when I awoke this morning to snow flurries I felt the need to hurry, to rush somewhere. But where?
Realization: Why is it those of us born and raised in the South have a compulsion-- a need to scurry to the grocery store for winter storms? How bad does it really get that we need to 'stock up' 'just in case'? Remember the great storm of ... '82?
I can hear Glen Burns in my head.... Action 2 weather.... stay tuned!
I must say I was shocked the first time I rushed to Kroger to stock up during our first Kentucky snow...there were parking places, milk was on the shelves, and there was no line in the beer isle. Different.
But I am not a local, so off to Kroger I will go.... 6-8 inches of snow...
what do we need?
A loaf of bread....
A container of milk...
and a stick of butter.....
or something like that.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I have never watched American Idol
I have never watched American Idol, The Bachelor, 24, or most any other must see T.V. I can't think of a current show that I actually know its time slot by heart. Usually when I watch T.V. each flip of the channel is a great mystery as to what could be on that would be of interest to me. I am rarely interested in the same show two weeks in a row. I am more of a marathon watcher. I think it is because I like movies and this format makes a TV show more like a movie...and after the marathon is over, its over, and I don't have to think about it again. Done.
I know it must sound like I never watch TV. But that would be a very false assumption. TV has become a security blanket of self medication for me. If I watch TV I don't really have to think...so if I don't think that means I don't have to be aware of all the things that need to be done, that I need to do better, that I should do to be a better person. At night, once CB is tucked into bed and Kevin is back to hitting the books, I retreat to a cozy chair and blanket and flip on the tube and turn off the voice in my head telling me my house is dirty, I should be working out, and there are at least 10 projects that are waiting for my attention.
I have carried this small harsh voice in my head through most of my life journey. The reoccurring message in some form or other is:
I'm not a good enough daughter
I'm not a good enough friend
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not a good enough athlete
I'm not thin enough
and later
I'm not interesting enough
I'm not a good enough wife
I'm not a good enough mother
I'm not a good enough teacher
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not attractive enough
and then later...
I'm not a good enough person
I'm not a good enough Christian
I'm not enough
This small piercing voice has been devastating at different points in my life. Crippling my ambition, my confidence, my ability to love others because I hated myself.
I recently realized that the most broken part of that hurtful head-chatter is that I have been translating it all wrong. Really, what I was saying to myself when I thought all those self deprecating things is that God did not make me....(insert painful phrase here). Another words, I was really saying to myself all those years "God did not make me a good enough mother, wife, person..." that some how I was misshapen and left un-whole. When I realized I was really blaming God I felt so ashamed and convicted. Somethings started to make sense. How could I live in a true relationship with Jesus if there was a wall of guilt and blame between us? How could I be a vessel that showed his redeeming love to the world if I didn't feel redeemed but broken myself?
I know that I am a child of God who is good and pleasing in his sight. My own failings are a result of the baggage of my own past hurts, bad habits, and continual poor choices.
So now instead of thinking that I am not well made I am trying to retrain that small harsh voice to boom loudly from within my soul that I am specially made to do great work. The rest of the baggage I am working on unpacking and cleaning up the clutter that pain can cause. It is a big job but I know I am up to the task with a little help from my Friend.
I know it must sound like I never watch TV. But that would be a very false assumption. TV has become a security blanket of self medication for me. If I watch TV I don't really have to think...so if I don't think that means I don't have to be aware of all the things that need to be done, that I need to do better, that I should do to be a better person. At night, once CB is tucked into bed and Kevin is back to hitting the books, I retreat to a cozy chair and blanket and flip on the tube and turn off the voice in my head telling me my house is dirty, I should be working out, and there are at least 10 projects that are waiting for my attention.
I have carried this small harsh voice in my head through most of my life journey. The reoccurring message in some form or other is:
I'm not a good enough daughter
I'm not a good enough friend
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not a good enough athlete
I'm not thin enough
and later
I'm not interesting enough
I'm not a good enough wife
I'm not a good enough mother
I'm not a good enough teacher
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not attractive enough
and then later...
I'm not a good enough person
I'm not a good enough Christian
I'm not enough
This small piercing voice has been devastating at different points in my life. Crippling my ambition, my confidence, my ability to love others because I hated myself.
I recently realized that the most broken part of that hurtful head-chatter is that I have been translating it all wrong. Really, what I was saying to myself when I thought all those self deprecating things is that God did not make me....(insert painful phrase here). Another words, I was really saying to myself all those years "God did not make me a good enough mother, wife, person..." that some how I was misshapen and left un-whole. When I realized I was really blaming God I felt so ashamed and convicted. Somethings started to make sense. How could I live in a true relationship with Jesus if there was a wall of guilt and blame between us? How could I be a vessel that showed his redeeming love to the world if I didn't feel redeemed but broken myself?
I know that I am a child of God who is good and pleasing in his sight. My own failings are a result of the baggage of my own past hurts, bad habits, and continual poor choices.
So now instead of thinking that I am not well made I am trying to retrain that small harsh voice to boom loudly from within my soul that I am specially made to do great work. The rest of the baggage I am working on unpacking and cleaning up the clutter that pain can cause. It is a big job but I know I am up to the task with a little help from my Friend.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
25 Random Things
1. I don't like catchup so much so that I usually forget that other people do like it.
2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day but unfortunately I don't usually wake up early enough to eat breakfast. So I love to make breakfast foods for dinner.
3. Kevin and I have been married for 8.5 years and we have moved 7 times (8 is just around the corner).
4. I am really bad at packing both for moves and trips. Luckily it doesn't bother me not be perfectly packed.
5. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes or other creepy crawling things. However, I can't stand to catch a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision. I freak out.
6. Maybe it is a throw back to my coaching days but I really like clipboards. I think life can be managed better with a good clipboard and a list.
7. Cavender, our four year old, cracks me up daily. She is very funny. I don't think she always means to be so this could be an interesting learning curve in the coming years.
8. I love to add potato chips to any sandwich. Six inch turkey sub with baked BBQ lays is my favorite combination.
9. When I tell people I lived in Amsterdam for a semester in college I love to look at their face as they decide if I was a druggie or a prostitute. Both options make me laugh and I don't usually give them any relief from the awkward banter in their head.
10. I was an English major at Wofford College in Spartanburg, SC and made some amazing friends there.
11. I don't like to talk on the phone. I usually don't answer the phone...it is always for Kevin anyway.
12. Sometimes I miss teaching and then I just think about all the hours I spent grading papers and I quickly snap out of it.
13. I do miss being a yearbook adviser. I loved teaching those classes and putting the book together year after year. Once a yearbook nerd always a yearbook nerd.
14. I can't water ski. I tried once and almost drowned (I still blame this incident on my older sister). I would like to learn one day.
15. I love to snow ski. However, it is on the "don't ever think about doing" list given to me by my orthopedist after my seventh knee surgery. Therefore, the last two times I have been 'skiing' I spent my days hanging out while everyone else hit the slopes.
16. I broke my foot walking across the street.
17. I tend to be very clumsy so when dinning out or in public settings Kevin has to juggle keeping Cavender from spilling her cup and then cut his attention to me to be sure I don't spill my drink or fall down. Sometimes he has a very difficult job.
18. I used to have a strong stance against blogging. I felt it perpetuated and fueled egocentric people. Like most things I take my random stances against....I eventually came around and I am a big fan of blogging now. I love to write on mine and I actually have a reader so I can easily keep up with the others I read.
19. I never had a grandfather. Both of my mine passed away before I was born. I have adopted Dr Kalas, the President of Asbury Theological Seminary, to be my pretend grandfather. He hasn't agreed to the arrangement but I claim him as mine anyway.
20. I love my job. I get to work with pastors and church leaders from all around the world. It is amazing. I also like it that everyone Cavender meets who is of another nationality she calls them "Mama's friends".
21. Kevin and I started dating the night of our Youth BBQ fundraiser at Snellville UMC in 1998. Ironically, I don't like BBQ.
22. I really like ethnic food. Currently, Thai is at the top of the list but the few Korean meals I have had lately is pushing it toward the top.
23. I am tired of death. This year five people have passed away in my family including my mother and grandmother.
24. I have the most amazing husband in the world. Besides the fact that he puts up with my drama he is very talented in his own right and a great father.
25. Speaking of being a great father.... this is a good thing because we are expecting our second child in October.
2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day but unfortunately I don't usually wake up early enough to eat breakfast. So I love to make breakfast foods for dinner.
3. Kevin and I have been married for 8.5 years and we have moved 7 times (8 is just around the corner).
4. I am really bad at packing both for moves and trips. Luckily it doesn't bother me not be perfectly packed.
5. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes or other creepy crawling things. However, I can't stand to catch a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision. I freak out.
6. Maybe it is a throw back to my coaching days but I really like clipboards. I think life can be managed better with a good clipboard and a list.
7. Cavender, our four year old, cracks me up daily. She is very funny. I don't think she always means to be so this could be an interesting learning curve in the coming years.
8. I love to add potato chips to any sandwich. Six inch turkey sub with baked BBQ lays is my favorite combination.
9. When I tell people I lived in Amsterdam for a semester in college I love to look at their face as they decide if I was a druggie or a prostitute. Both options make me laugh and I don't usually give them any relief from the awkward banter in their head.
10. I was an English major at Wofford College in Spartanburg, SC and made some amazing friends there.
11. I don't like to talk on the phone. I usually don't answer the phone...it is always for Kevin anyway.
12. Sometimes I miss teaching and then I just think about all the hours I spent grading papers and I quickly snap out of it.
13. I do miss being a yearbook adviser. I loved teaching those classes and putting the book together year after year. Once a yearbook nerd always a yearbook nerd.
14. I can't water ski. I tried once and almost drowned (I still blame this incident on my older sister). I would like to learn one day.
15. I love to snow ski. However, it is on the "don't ever think about doing" list given to me by my orthopedist after my seventh knee surgery. Therefore, the last two times I have been 'skiing' I spent my days hanging out while everyone else hit the slopes.
16. I broke my foot walking across the street.
17. I tend to be very clumsy so when dinning out or in public settings Kevin has to juggle keeping Cavender from spilling her cup and then cut his attention to me to be sure I don't spill my drink or fall down. Sometimes he has a very difficult job.
18. I used to have a strong stance against blogging. I felt it perpetuated and fueled egocentric people. Like most things I take my random stances against....I eventually came around and I am a big fan of blogging now. I love to write on mine and I actually have a reader so I can easily keep up with the others I read.
19. I never had a grandfather. Both of my mine passed away before I was born. I have adopted Dr Kalas, the President of Asbury Theological Seminary, to be my pretend grandfather. He hasn't agreed to the arrangement but I claim him as mine anyway.
20. I love my job. I get to work with pastors and church leaders from all around the world. It is amazing. I also like it that everyone Cavender meets who is of another nationality she calls them "Mama's friends".
21. Kevin and I started dating the night of our Youth BBQ fundraiser at Snellville UMC in 1998. Ironically, I don't like BBQ.
22. I really like ethnic food. Currently, Thai is at the top of the list but the few Korean meals I have had lately is pushing it toward the top.
23. I am tired of death. This year five people have passed away in my family including my mother and grandmother.
24. I have the most amazing husband in the world. Besides the fact that he puts up with my drama he is very talented in his own right and a great father.
25. Speaking of being a great father.... this is a good thing because we are expecting our second child in October.
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Paper Problem
It seems like forever since I have sat down and taken the time to post to this blog. However, I have written several posts that have only bounced around the recesses of my mind. Too bad I never made time to capture these thoughts before they dissipated into to do or shopping lists.
Along that vein I have recently been coming to terms with my paper problem. I currently have five started journals, one quote book, this under-posted blog, a half used planner, and one notebook for writing ideas. This does not count the myriad of individual papers tucked here and there, inside books, my planner, and stacked to look at later. I am not satisfied with a technology based communication model. I love the feel of paper, the smell of opening a book, and the soothing glide of a pencil across the page (the spelling challenged like myself always use pencils).
So what have I done to get control of this madness? Why, I have bought a new journal--it will really work this time, or so I have been chanting to myself over and over to will it to be true.
These are the moments when I envy the self discipline of my husband and battle the inner dialogue of failure that comes so naturally to me.
Since my mom passed away I have come to realize there was so much about her I didn't know. One day, I want Cavender to have both the memories of our own life conversations, and the scraps of my own mental ramblings for her to process as she will.
Besides the way my memory is declining, probably due to the number of Diet Cokes I drink, I better collect what few creative moments I have left.
Along that vein I have recently been coming to terms with my paper problem. I currently have five started journals, one quote book, this under-posted blog, a half used planner, and one notebook for writing ideas. This does not count the myriad of individual papers tucked here and there, inside books, my planner, and stacked to look at later. I am not satisfied with a technology based communication model. I love the feel of paper, the smell of opening a book, and the soothing glide of a pencil across the page (the spelling challenged like myself always use pencils).
So what have I done to get control of this madness? Why, I have bought a new journal--it will really work this time, or so I have been chanting to myself over and over to will it to be true.
These are the moments when I envy the self discipline of my husband and battle the inner dialogue of failure that comes so naturally to me.
Since my mom passed away I have come to realize there was so much about her I didn't know. One day, I want Cavender to have both the memories of our own life conversations, and the scraps of my own mental ramblings for her to process as she will.
Besides the way my memory is declining, probably due to the number of Diet Cokes I drink, I better collect what few creative moments I have left.
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