I have never watched American Idol, The Bachelor, 24, or most any other must see T.V. I can't think of a current show that I actually know its time slot by heart. Usually when I watch T.V. each flip of the channel is a great mystery as to what could be on that would be of interest to me. I am rarely interested in the same show two weeks in a row. I am more of a marathon watcher. I think it is because I like movies and this format makes a TV show more like a movie...and after the marathon is over, its over, and I don't have to think about it again. Done.
I know it must sound like I never watch TV. But that would be a very false assumption. TV has become a security blanket of self medication for me. If I watch TV I don't really have to think...so if I don't think that means I don't have to be aware of all the things that need to be done, that I need to do better, that I should do to be a better person. At night, once CB is tucked into bed and Kevin is back to hitting the books, I retreat to a cozy chair and blanket and flip on the tube and turn off the voice in my head telling me my house is dirty, I should be working out, and there are at least 10 projects that are waiting for my attention.
I have carried this small harsh voice in my head through most of my life journey. The reoccurring message in some form or other is:
I'm not a good enough daughter
I'm not a good enough friend
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not a good enough athlete
I'm not thin enough
and later
I'm not interesting enough
I'm not a good enough wife
I'm not a good enough mother
I'm not a good enough teacher
I'm not a good enough student
I'm not attractive enough
and then later...
I'm not a good enough person
I'm not a good enough Christian
I'm not enough
This small piercing voice has been devastating at different points in my life. Crippling my ambition, my confidence, my ability to love others because I hated myself.
I recently realized that the most broken part of that hurtful head-chatter is that I have been translating it all wrong. Really, what I was saying to myself when I thought all those self deprecating things is that God did not make me....(insert painful phrase here). Another words, I was really saying to myself all those years "God did not make me a good enough mother, wife, person..." that some how I was misshapen and left un-whole. When I realized I was really blaming God I felt so ashamed and convicted. Somethings started to make sense. How could I live in a true relationship with Jesus if there was a wall of guilt and blame between us? How could I be a vessel that showed his redeeming love to the world if I didn't feel redeemed but broken myself?
I know that I am a child of God who is good and pleasing in his sight. My own failings are a result of the baggage of my own past hurts, bad habits, and continual poor choices.
So now instead of thinking that I am not well made I am trying to retrain that small harsh voice to boom loudly from within my soul that I am specially made to do great work. The rest of the baggage I am working on unpacking and cleaning up the clutter that pain can cause. It is a big job but I know I am up to the task with a little help from my Friend.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
25 Random Things
1. I don't like catchup so much so that I usually forget that other people do like it.
2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day but unfortunately I don't usually wake up early enough to eat breakfast. So I love to make breakfast foods for dinner.
3. Kevin and I have been married for 8.5 years and we have moved 7 times (8 is just around the corner).
4. I am really bad at packing both for moves and trips. Luckily it doesn't bother me not be perfectly packed.
5. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes or other creepy crawling things. However, I can't stand to catch a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision. I freak out.
6. Maybe it is a throw back to my coaching days but I really like clipboards. I think life can be managed better with a good clipboard and a list.
7. Cavender, our four year old, cracks me up daily. She is very funny. I don't think she always means to be so this could be an interesting learning curve in the coming years.
8. I love to add potato chips to any sandwich. Six inch turkey sub with baked BBQ lays is my favorite combination.
9. When I tell people I lived in Amsterdam for a semester in college I love to look at their face as they decide if I was a druggie or a prostitute. Both options make me laugh and I don't usually give them any relief from the awkward banter in their head.
10. I was an English major at Wofford College in Spartanburg, SC and made some amazing friends there.
11. I don't like to talk on the phone. I usually don't answer the phone...it is always for Kevin anyway.
12. Sometimes I miss teaching and then I just think about all the hours I spent grading papers and I quickly snap out of it.
13. I do miss being a yearbook adviser. I loved teaching those classes and putting the book together year after year. Once a yearbook nerd always a yearbook nerd.
14. I can't water ski. I tried once and almost drowned (I still blame this incident on my older sister). I would like to learn one day.
15. I love to snow ski. However, it is on the "don't ever think about doing" list given to me by my orthopedist after my seventh knee surgery. Therefore, the last two times I have been 'skiing' I spent my days hanging out while everyone else hit the slopes.
16. I broke my foot walking across the street.
17. I tend to be very clumsy so when dinning out or in public settings Kevin has to juggle keeping Cavender from spilling her cup and then cut his attention to me to be sure I don't spill my drink or fall down. Sometimes he has a very difficult job.
18. I used to have a strong stance against blogging. I felt it perpetuated and fueled egocentric people. Like most things I take my random stances against....I eventually came around and I am a big fan of blogging now. I love to write on mine and I actually have a reader so I can easily keep up with the others I read.
19. I never had a grandfather. Both of my mine passed away before I was born. I have adopted Dr Kalas, the President of Asbury Theological Seminary, to be my pretend grandfather. He hasn't agreed to the arrangement but I claim him as mine anyway.
20. I love my job. I get to work with pastors and church leaders from all around the world. It is amazing. I also like it that everyone Cavender meets who is of another nationality she calls them "Mama's friends".
21. Kevin and I started dating the night of our Youth BBQ fundraiser at Snellville UMC in 1998. Ironically, I don't like BBQ.
22. I really like ethnic food. Currently, Thai is at the top of the list but the few Korean meals I have had lately is pushing it toward the top.
23. I am tired of death. This year five people have passed away in my family including my mother and grandmother.
24. I have the most amazing husband in the world. Besides the fact that he puts up with my drama he is very talented in his own right and a great father.
25. Speaking of being a great father.... this is a good thing because we are expecting our second child in October.
2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day but unfortunately I don't usually wake up early enough to eat breakfast. So I love to make breakfast foods for dinner.
3. Kevin and I have been married for 8.5 years and we have moved 7 times (8 is just around the corner).
4. I am really bad at packing both for moves and trips. Luckily it doesn't bother me not be perfectly packed.
5. I am not afraid of bugs, spiders, snakes or other creepy crawling things. However, I can't stand to catch a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision. I freak out.
6. Maybe it is a throw back to my coaching days but I really like clipboards. I think life can be managed better with a good clipboard and a list.
7. Cavender, our four year old, cracks me up daily. She is very funny. I don't think she always means to be so this could be an interesting learning curve in the coming years.
8. I love to add potato chips to any sandwich. Six inch turkey sub with baked BBQ lays is my favorite combination.
9. When I tell people I lived in Amsterdam for a semester in college I love to look at their face as they decide if I was a druggie or a prostitute. Both options make me laugh and I don't usually give them any relief from the awkward banter in their head.
10. I was an English major at Wofford College in Spartanburg, SC and made some amazing friends there.
11. I don't like to talk on the phone. I usually don't answer the phone...it is always for Kevin anyway.
12. Sometimes I miss teaching and then I just think about all the hours I spent grading papers and I quickly snap out of it.
13. I do miss being a yearbook adviser. I loved teaching those classes and putting the book together year after year. Once a yearbook nerd always a yearbook nerd.
14. I can't water ski. I tried once and almost drowned (I still blame this incident on my older sister). I would like to learn one day.
15. I love to snow ski. However, it is on the "don't ever think about doing" list given to me by my orthopedist after my seventh knee surgery. Therefore, the last two times I have been 'skiing' I spent my days hanging out while everyone else hit the slopes.
16. I broke my foot walking across the street.
17. I tend to be very clumsy so when dinning out or in public settings Kevin has to juggle keeping Cavender from spilling her cup and then cut his attention to me to be sure I don't spill my drink or fall down. Sometimes he has a very difficult job.
18. I used to have a strong stance against blogging. I felt it perpetuated and fueled egocentric people. Like most things I take my random stances against....I eventually came around and I am a big fan of blogging now. I love to write on mine and I actually have a reader so I can easily keep up with the others I read.
19. I never had a grandfather. Both of my mine passed away before I was born. I have adopted Dr Kalas, the President of Asbury Theological Seminary, to be my pretend grandfather. He hasn't agreed to the arrangement but I claim him as mine anyway.
20. I love my job. I get to work with pastors and church leaders from all around the world. It is amazing. I also like it that everyone Cavender meets who is of another nationality she calls them "Mama's friends".
21. Kevin and I started dating the night of our Youth BBQ fundraiser at Snellville UMC in 1998. Ironically, I don't like BBQ.
22. I really like ethnic food. Currently, Thai is at the top of the list but the few Korean meals I have had lately is pushing it toward the top.
23. I am tired of death. This year five people have passed away in my family including my mother and grandmother.
24. I have the most amazing husband in the world. Besides the fact that he puts up with my drama he is very talented in his own right and a great father.
25. Speaking of being a great father.... this is a good thing because we are expecting our second child in October.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)